Today's been a terrible day.
SLI, so I had to get to school at 6.30am and my parents brought me there.
So naturally, not having had sufficient sleep, they were grouchy.
And so everything went on, school was perfectly fine.
Lunch at subway, not too bad, but gorged myself because I wasn't exactly in a very pleasant mood.
I've been really irritable these days.
My tolerance has gone down 50%.
I remember last year I was so determined to live as a testimony of God's amazing love that no matter how irritated/angry I was, I shut myself up.
This year my resolve is vanishing.
I've snapped at so many people already, in the past 1.7 months since the start of the year.
Time passes so quickly, I just can't believe it.
And I've mostly been snapping at my parents because they nag a lot.
I felt and still feel really really bad at it.
And when I'm not irritated, I keep saying sorry.
But I think my dad's really unhappy about it, and because I make a lot of mistakes, like losing things, wasting time, wasting electricity, being careless, being indifferent about important things... The list goes on.
And today in the car my mum was talking about saying no to any possible commitments throughout the course of the year because I'm at my personal threshold. I kinda agree, but not completely. Nevertheless, my mum says it and I trust that she's right about it. And she was saying that God created all of us humans, not superpowers. And we all have physical, emotional thresholds. That really got me thinking.
Emotional threshold- what does that mean; I feel like I'm bursting.
Physically, no I'm not stressed.
Homework needs to be cleared, there are so many things I can do. But parallel to my personal belief that time is 'created' in necessity and therefore there is enough time.
But yes, different from last year, I feel the stress piling up.
Fancy, I told BZH I don't get stressed easily.
Maybe God wants to humble me.
Responsibilities are one thing. In school, various people breathing down my neck, FT & CLET for admin, subject teachers for homework & exams, classmates for complaints (put nicely, feedback) about certain systems/practices (in a sense, very good they speak up but sometimes when they get too demanding it is incredibly stressful.) At church, Bro Zhi Hao. He doesn't put pressure on me, which is really nice of him, but nevertheless, a responsibility. Regular emails are really hard to write. Sometimes I'm just clueless as to what on earth I should be writing about. And it's stressful because there's a kind of QC involved. SBs also concern me, because they aren't taking responsibility over their own walk with God, rather, they are putting the responsibility on me. IH follow-ups are seldom stressful because they don't take long but they can still be occasionally.
Well, responsibilities are but part and parcel of life I guess, just that sometimes the weight of it just piles on my shoulders and it can get rather unbearable. Then again, responsibility is a privilege and I shouldn't be complaining.
Sometimes scolding can just double the stress. I told my mum that today, nicely and she was understanding about it. I told her 1. We should talk more to avoid misunderstanding/strained relations. 2. Sorry for being snappy, I'm really stressed. 2. Don't add to the stress by nagging.
I'm not phrasing it appropriately here, just that it's concise(:
Anyway a lot of stuff happened today that caused a lot of scolding, nagging and that really piled up on me.
The number of times I've sighed today is a testimony of that.
But when I got home I just kneelled before God and rambled everything to Him. And I sand One Way.
One Way is a very meaningful song. The lyrics have so much meaning, just that because it's a fast song, sometimes the words slip by without sinking in.
One Way
Intro: Gm# / Gm# / F# / F# / E / E /B
I lay my life down at your feet
Gm#
You’re the only one I need
F# E
I turn to You and You are always there
B
In troubled time its you I seek
Gm#
I put you first that's all I need
F# E
I humble all I am, all to you
B
You are always always there
Gm#
every how and everywhere
F# E
Your grace abounds so deeply within me
B
You will never ever change
Gm#
Yesterday today the same
F# E
Forever till forever meets no end
B F# Gm# E
One way Jesus, You’re the only one that I could live for
B F# Gm# A Gm#/ E / Gm#/ E
One way,Jesus,you’re the only that I could live for
B F#
You are the way the truth and the life
Gm# E Gm#
We live by faith and not by sight, for you
F# E (END – B)
We’re living all for you
I turn to You and You are always there.
How true is that? It's the absolute truth. When I'm in the pits, the only one I turn to is God.
Why? No one else understands, and no one else bothers to understand.
No one cares enough, even though many care and do care a lot.
We're all predominantly selfish creatures, it's just the extent of it.
But God? Each and everything I've cried out to God, He's been there to listen, to comfort me.
And though today's been such a bad day, I really thank God for reminding me about how important it is to live by His strength, not my own, which is what I've been doing these 2 months, causing so much stress.
One way, Jesus, You're the only one that I could live for! :D
Because I'm living for God, I will serve with excellence and dedication, faithfully and single-mindedly.
To draw upon the strength of God and follow His guiding hand.
This is my commitment today.
I know this is yet a new season of molding, growing and I just have the feeling that these months are going to be one of the more taxing periods in 2008.
But I thank God for molding & testing because without which, growth isn't possible, complacency sets on, everything goes.
And I guess that's why we're always being molded into who we are meant to be.
My next email will be thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure of it.
Had better go do IH followup and homework!
Forever- Chris Tomlin
