This morning was quite nice for me. I didn't manage to finish 2 book reports yesterday but I did one, and did another this morning. Glad about it. Nothing much in the morning.
Afternoon, studied some lit, went to IGNYTE. Was awesome. But lost focus during altar call trying to keep track of the time (my dad wanted me out at 6.15pm for his friend's birthday party.)
I wonder what happened at FUEL. But the party was quite fun.
I sang something. My mum said it was very bad. The same classical blabbering again. But this time, I don't know why, it really hurt me. It really hurt me. She basically started to insult my singing and say something about TCC. I don't know; something about the 'TCC way of singing' which is so totally wrong. Insult me? FINE whatever. Insult church when I got the bad singing habits when I did chinese pop in p6 and not at church? That's like unreasonable. I don't know what I'm feeling now. It's a mixture of anger, hurt and confusion. My mum doesn't even know she hurt me. She's just normal. She probably doesn't know she hurts people. I DON'T KNOW. I'm totally confused. But there's one thing though. One thing- she said, "Your voice was beautiful when you were little." I don't know. What I can say is, when I was little, I didn't scream, I didn't laugh very loudly, I didn't eat spicy food or fried food or cold food very much. And I think I'm responsible. I DON'T KNOW!!!
I'm frustrated. Very frustrated. I just need someone who can understand me to talk to. But I don't know who. I feel guilty for destroying God's gift to me. And I wonder if I can reverse the destruction process and get it back. I don't know. I really enjoy singing. I love music. I'm not the 'listen to music' kind, I'm really more of the 'MAKE MUSIC' kind. I don't know. I just don't know what to say. I feel like I have so much to say yet I DON'T KNOW what to say. There's a person I know can help me, can comfort me, can give me advice but I don't feel like talking to the person. Just not close enough. And Deborah is not online and didn't reply earlier SMSes. I don't know, but I'm really treasuring my church friends these days. It's just easier to live a godly life with these people, helping, encouraging, praying for each other.
Anyway, I think I lost the emotions from just now. I'm just left with the confusion. I need God. I need His strength to pull me through this crazy period of time. I just need the comfort that God knows what He will do with my life; He has the plan for me. I'm overwhelmed now; I'm tearing. I don't know, it's just an overflow of emotion. I'm the bottled-up kind of person; never really speak my mind, never cry in front of others. I just keep it to myself. But I know whatever I feel, God understands.
And that is my comfort.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
hold me now at 11:53 PM
